April 9, 2011

Morning after

I have been working up the words for quite awhile; spent a little more time on this post; thought over my emotions / security / desires / destiny. It was a whirlwind decision.

Consider the girl who has no extensive work experience, no sufficient interview experience. She walks into the dismal office of a political news company. Sinking feeling. The interviewer is nice. Puts her at ease. Spirits rise. Interviewer / editor tells her to come in on Monday. 'Test the waters' sort of run. Come Monday, she's in and expects to be there less than a few hours, but finds out this was officially her first day as an employee for the first time in her life. Shock - thus the drama begins.

I was scared stiff. What you mean I'm in? As in I no longer have the option of backing out? What about other job offers? I barely got a chance to survey the market. I had ants in my pants. Emotions start to run a little wild. What do I do know? This is political news were talking about here. Not fun, silly, play-the-fool features which I'm a natural at. Will I be able to hold my end up? The editor's friendliness truly eases my transition into working life.

I listed out my problems:
1.Politics - I don't get it.
2.Transport - the office was in the middle of nowhere.
3.Just scared - can't put my finger on it.
How would I be able to fix these bugs?

So I turn to the two people I trust most. God and mum. I had begged God everyday before I joined, that I would get a job. That I wouldn't become one of those thousand unemployed fresh graduates. I asked Him to open only one door, and that it'd be the right door for me. The one that'll enable me to walk in the lines of His master plan for my life. But I didn't expect this! It was such a snap decision. So it was a lot of insecurity and doubt.

Then another curveball. Someone else invited me back for an interview. I told the family. Curveball coming: Dad says no harm trying it out... politics was not my thing... check out other options...etc. I was stupefied. Then extremely pissed. Then overwhelmed with sadness. I realised I didn't want to leave. The revelation of truth was so stunning that I cried. What happened? When I had been so adamant my forte was in features, when things seemed so uncertain to me when I started my first week?

Well it is this, the editor and the job got to me. They got to me before anything else did. After the trauma I had in I-will-not-mention-names, I was so grateful to face a smiling, encouraging, even indulgent editor. The job too became from nerve-wracking to pleasant. I began to enjoy calling YBs up on their mobiles, asking them this and that, laughing at the mad goings-on in the crazy grey world of politics.

Back to the curveball. I was so upset at the thought of ditching, (yes, ditching would be the only word to describe it) my editor - and me not even in my first month in the company. For the love of peace!!! I didn't want to go. I didn't want to disappoint the person who had accepted me in the first meeting itself and bought me (really smooth, addictive) 7-11 coffee all the week I worked there.

Then the thought occurred to me. What if it was God's plan NOT for me to be here? Can it be? Had I not prayed that only one door be opened? And this one did - the ONLY one that opened. And I fervently hoped that if that were the case, there had better be someone BETTER than I, come in and take over my place here immediately so that I would not put my editor in a pickle. I felt she deserved as much. And rightly so, she's the nicest person I know in the news line. I shall not elaborate...

And now I want to retire for the night.

>> to be continued

It's a wonderful morning back in the office! I'm working on a few stories today (as usual). Haha. Let me continue my ranting. Yes, I was down in the dumps thinking about the matter. Then after the talk mum and I had, I was reassured a little. Yup this probably was the place for me. I can't see myself anywhere else at the moment anyways.

For now I'm just praying and asking God what His plans for me are in the working world. I need to pray believing and trusting God. I need to just surrender it all to Him. Sigh, it's all a tornado of emotions. Don't even know what I'm feeling now. Forgive me God but sometimes it's just so hard. I'm scared and insecure about this career situation. I just don't want to be miserable - very human... and I also don't want to hurt the company by leaving like that.

I didn't mention that I got to choose my own desk did I? How wicked awesome is that. Bye bye lousy wooden, vandalised, school tables :D It's like moving from Vatican City to Russia. I've gotten down to dumping a lot of stuff on it. Make it my natural habitat. So far I have a calendar, stationery, tissue roll, cup, my name cards, hand sanitiser, band aids, notebooks, my RM1 umbrella (which is tearing apart), and a HANDMADE table name plate! The desk has a telephone too :)))

>> to be continued

The tide seems to be turning. I said SEEMS to be. Not exactly there yet. I'm still waiting to receive an email from someone giving me the green light to go ahead and take the other door (note: my previous post said 'road'). The email was supposed to have come last night or today. It's already 1.18pm and still no email. I wonder what's the hold up. Getting really nervous now - and still waiting.

But what if, again the 'what if', this other door is also not the one for me. Please do not tell me there will be no doors for me for awhile! I don't want to be wandering about aimlessly in the dessert. I don't take to well to these dry spells. I usually come out of it smelling like garbage.

Please please God. Give me a door. And again, let it be the right door from you. It's 2.30pm now. Maybe I should make a call.

>> to be continued

Goodness gracious! The other door really opened! I'm totally struck dumb. Should I or should I not walk through it? I'll have to pray about it and ask God. I also have to ask mum and dad. Freaky! I have ants in my pants now. I really don't know what my next step should be!!!

God please please I know you're reading this. I beg of You to tell me what I should do. Please speak to me and give me Your direction. Wherever You place me is where I want to be. I want to follow the blueprints of Your plan for my life.

Oh no, I also realised I didn't put down the dates for each time I updated this post. For your information, this post is supposed to be a saga. It's a sequel to my previous post titled Before Morning. Counting the days for something momentous to happen. I wrote this over a span of days.

>> to be continued

March 30

Things are a little... awkward. I've received good news and I'm waiting for the letter now. Even before reading it, I'm sure of wanting to move. Yes, I'm taking the other door now.

I still pray that I will be replaced by someone better than me, and in numbers so many they would have choices! May the next person, or better people, have what it takes to do good for the company, be flawless where I was flawed, be nosy where I wasn't, be brave where I was chicken and have the dogged desire to get the scoop. And this is my sincere concern for this place.

>> to be continued

April 9

Wow I've left this post to hibernate for so long. It's been a week now down the new road. I have to say things are pretty smooth sailing *big smile*. Work's good. I like a lot - of course it's mainly coz I'm able to handle it. It's been no sweat so far. I don't even wanna begin mentioning the ease of travelling (though it's back to the old Krappy Tin Metal horror routine). The LRT never ceases to amaze me. What's ironic is that you get the same people who ride the KTM like wild beasts suddenly remembering their Queen's manners when the adjourn to the LRT station. Needless to say I'm one of them :p

I'm looking forward to big things. :)

I'm happy now and I pray God will continue to be with me throughout the journey till I see another fork in the horizon.